i miss him so much. i feel so lost and alone, all i want to do is get drunk and high to the point where i don’t remember my name, i can’t believe i’ve lost him, i just can’t believe it
not being with him is the absolute worst punishment i ever could have inflicted on myself. i know that if we even get back together it will never be the same. it took eight months for him to trust me. to believe in me and to prove to him i loved him. i’ve fucked up everything in this little pity rally to try and fix everything. he asked me to try and sort things out with my mom before i tried to get him back. i tried and now she’s stopped being supportive and gone back to being cold to me. i’m just so relieved to be going to work, although i havn’t eaten since friday morning. i don’t even feel hungry. going to work yesterday i heat up some mince that i’d cooked but i could only pick at it. eating makes me feel so ill. i’ve backtracked back to 2010. when i couldn’t eat and i just cut. i would cut if i didn’t believe that it would tear jacob apart. he’s literally the only thing i’m holding on for now. but if he doesn’t want me. then i don’t know.
i was wondering why it had been so long since i’d posted and then realised i put the wrong month on my last post. things have been going alright.. well perfect. but i can’t shake the feeling that i should be happy. i don’t feel anything at the moment. i want a big change. i can’t stick with the momentum and calm going on in my life at the moment. if something isn’t changing it makes me feel like i can give up so much easier. starting school will hopefully change that, even if i’ll have to put up with a few weeks of heightened anxiety