time: 8:48pm

it’s been way too long since i made a post, so here is one. although so much has happened over the past month that i just do not want to write about. nothing bad, nothing special, just a lot to type. 

time: 5:47pm

happy birthday my dear. 41 months without you. jesus. 

the scientist by coldplay is playing right now, and it reminds me of you. of everything you did for me. i want to tell you that i’m finally getting to where you had always wanted me. it’s definitely taking some time, and i’m not going to be naiive and say i’ve overcome it all. but i’m recovering. that’s what i am. a recovery. it makes me sad that you never got here. this is what you deserved, after everything you endured. the end. but not the end you chose. i’m writing to tell you that you can wake up in the morning and think the sun is beautiful. the colour green looks happy, you can find complete and utter solace in another person. 

i love you. 

time: 9:11pm

dear jacob, 
if i could write to you, or if you would listen to me, this is what i’d tell you. i love you. i love you from the top of your head to the tips of your toes. i love the way you smirk when you know you’re right and the way your eyes fall into your lids when you’re sad. i love the way you tighten your grip on my hand when we come up to a crossing or past a group of people. the way you kiss my forehead right before i fall asleep. i love the way that you watch over me in the night although you think i don’t notice. the way you put your hand on my back when we walk into a room. the way you smile when i sit on top of you and when you play with my hair. i love the mornings when i have to get up but you pull me back to bed. and the way you act all grumpy when i do the same but then you fall into my arms. i love how peaceful you look when you’re sleeping. i love how you act like you’re not strong even though you’re the strongest person i know. i wish i could be as tough and as stubborn as you are. you fight for yourself like somebody who has had to do so for a long time. i don’t want to not be with you, i’ve never wanted that

i can’t finish this. i hate this, i hate this i hate this i hate this. 

it should never have been like this
it should never have ended

i fucking hate this i fucking hate this i fucking hate this

time: 11:47pm

i want to go home. to my baby. where i belong. if some other girl can find it then i don’t want to be here at all.

time: 6:23pm

what a lie
i don’t even know how i’m doing this
i just want him here
i keep thinking about his smell
the curve in his back
his cheeky grin
the way he swallows before he lets his heart out
the way his nose turns up when he’s mad
the way he looks when he’s punched something
the way he looks at me
how his kisses feel
falling asleep in his arms
skin against skin
his eyelashes on my cheek

i could die here right now and the only thing i would ever regret is going to that dinner on friday night. not texting jacob about what had gone down with my mom like i had wanted to; thinking that it would put him in a low mood for the night. not telling him how much i loved him rather than trying to push him away. being as awful at reading my own feelings as reading everybody elses. 
i hope he knows i love him when i finally do it. 
i hope he knows. 

time: 2:33pm

i can almost do this on my own. i just feel numb. it’s not bad though, it’s pleasant- peaceful. part of me aches to take care of him though. like i have always needed to. to protect him, to keep him safe, to keep him warm, and to let him know he’s loved. i will never be able to look at jacob with another girl, i will never be able to listen to him talk about someone, see the way he looks at someone else. it would completely break me. but i know that even though i can get through this i will never stop loving him. hopefully in the future i will be able to look at someone the same way, but it will never mean i won’t still think about him when i lie in bed at night.